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How to make yourself (more) depressed

Step one: Look for work online.

Step two: Apply for job.

Step three: Write cover letter.

(As you write your cover letter, reflect on your previous work experience and the past 10 years of your life since you’ve moved to this city. Don’t forget to compare yourself to others: friends, family, younger work mates, etc. )

Holy hell…how is that I have not made ANY progress in my life? Clearly I am not a very ambitious person and I don’t think very highly of myself.

What’s a better way to say on your cover letter:

“My bosses think I’m nice, my co-workers enjoy working with me, and overall I try to do a really good job and not waste your time. I also stay late. As you can see, I’m not very ambitious. I spend a lot of time daydreaming about doing something really important but lack that psychic energy to back it up. So, instead, I focus too much energy on being liked at work and doing a good job. I think you should hire me because I will say “yes” to you. That’s what you really want, isn’t it?”

LOL!

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Do you throw out your journals?

I’m debating whether I should toss my journals from the past 20 years or so. There aren’t many of them so it’s not a matter of storage. My biggest concern is, what happens to those words after I die? Will whoever cleans up my belongings, read them?

I don’t feel relief when I go through those books. I’m embarrassed and ashamed, to be honest. I’m still struggling with the same issues and haven’t made any progress.

I have also said some not-so-nice things about others.

Oh wait, I have made some progress I guess. I’m not blaming others for my misery; I’m taking full responsibility baby. People that are close to me, friends and family, have hurt me. Their words, actions and even non-actions burned indelible impressions in my psyche. But, I’ve forgiven them all. I know they love me unconditionally and they did the best they could. I’m sure I have hurt those same people in return through my own words, actions and non-actions (ie, what I didn’t do).

There is a chance I will live another 30, 40 years. However, should I be smoked by a bus tomorrow, what are the consequences of those words, should anyone read them?

I’d rather not have anyone know how miserable I’ve been throughout my life – I’ve been able to keep up the facade so far.

What about you? Toss or keep?

Fortunately, I was able to nip that in the bud

What I didn’t mention in the last post was how much I had been drinking for weeks prior to last Thursday. In some sense, I had, but what I hadn’t mentioned was how much of it I was doing alone. Admittedly I was having a good time, even on my own. Or, maybe especially because I was on my own.

I was enjoying drinking at home, all alone, getting a little buzz on while doing housework or even watching TV or talking on the phone. It was a lot of fun – a real hoot.

However, last Thursday, the scale tipped and I was on the dark side of drunk. I was a drunken mess. Passed out on my couch with my bikini top on with episodes of Rescue Me playing on the computer.

Miraculously, I made it through the day without anyone knowing what happened the night before. How disgusting I felt and how utterly ashamed I was of myself and how deeply I hated my being.

Fortunately, I haven’t had the urge to get drunk since. What a relief. And for that, I feel grateful.

 

OK, so I kind of get it.

No doubt, I’ve had a good time these past few weeks/month –  I’ve been outside, drinking and at the same time I’ve also met a number of men that have shown me attention. It’s totally, completely intoxicating and it makes me feel alive. Sexy, desired, like a woman. The texting, the communication, the attraction! Oh god, it feels good. Is that all I needed?

They have all come to their natural end – two were 10 years my junior and one was from a different city. You have to understand there’s absolutely no heartache. If I could quote Dr. Suess right now “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Seriously, no regrets, no heartache. I’ll blog about my “love life”  next.

Where does that leave me now? Good question. I’ve been drinking more than I care to admit. Partially, because I can – I seem to immune to hangovers lately, which is a huge thing. Another part of me is more engaged and enjoys life more when I’m drunk. Admittedly, it’s getting dangerous. I see why and where and how people slip off that slippery slope. That slope of addiction.  I hope I don’t become one of the statistics, one of those that has a major disaster to get them on track. God, it’s such a cliche.

At the moment, I’m embarrassingly drunk.

This is not reality.

But I want it to be. I don’t do sober and “present” well.

Namaste 🙂

On an upward trend

You can only go up if you’ve been down.

I know I’ve been feeling low these past few weeks, spending hours in front of the TV addicted to Rescue Me. My diet has been poor, I’ve been drinking more and I haven’t exercised much. The weather has been pretty crappy too.

However, despite filling my body with junk, I haven’t had a migraine. Miracles of miracles. I think it has everything to do with reducing how much coffee I drink. I went from 3 cups to just one cup, first thing in the morning. Just a small change has made a huge impact on my health.

I also know that small changes can help me get out of this funk, or at least make me feel a little less ashamed of myself. This morning I felt really compelled to sit in front of the computer and do shit. I also wanted to get out and do some errands but I also have a massage at 3. As I looked at my huge pile of dirty dishes, I knew that I would feel better if I did my dishes now because I certainly wouldn’t feel like doing them once I got home – all relaxed and oily and all. 🙂

Future pleasure (me coming home to a clean kitchen) trumped immediate pleasure (sitting in front of the computer).

I must be on an upward trend.

Now, I have to get going. I’ve got some things to do.

It would be great if…

I didn’t hate myself so much sometimes.

When I get stuck in those nasty ugly thoughts… I just swirl down the rabbit hole of hate, shame and embarrassment.

I’ve wanted to be someone different my entire life; there are several iterations of that same person but rest assured it is someone that is talented, self-assured and motivated. Looks are not that important, but confidence (as well as humility) are definitely in tact.

I’ve complained so much about job to my friends, but I know deep down inside it’s not my job; it’s me. It’s me just not liking myself, and well, yes, hating, shaming and embarrassing.

Can’t I just take it down a notch? I mean, REALLY?!