are so fucked.
It’s one thing to have crazy weird thoughts, it’s another to knowing how crazy, weird and irrational my thoughts are. Metacognition in action.
The irrational side wants to end it all. The rational side is saying “Whoa, the reasons for ending it are silly. Settle down.”
The shitty thing is, I’m having difficulties controlling either of those voices. The irrational voice (with its cousin, the anxiety night monster) gets too loud sometimes and I worry it will take over. I have to remember that my family and friends don’t deserve pain like that.
Short of a lobotomy, I know I should probably see a professional. I rarely find relief because I don’t feel the therapists really hear me. Granted, I probably don’t explain myself that well either.
I wish I could just evaporate… Have I said that before?
I guess I could look at it as a strength… my ability to keep going despite the desperate feeling of just wanting to hide.
I woke up suddenly at 3:45am, not surprising given my frame of mind yesterday. It was a familiar place: early morning anxiety, unable to fall asleep and completely wired on my weaknesses, poor judgments and regrets. Fuck.
It had been a while but fortunately I know what to do. Grab my duvet, head to the living room, find a documentary online to watch and surrender. I’m anxious, I’m ruminating and generally feeling shitty. The monster has taken over and only time can rid him of my mind. No sense in trying to fight it.
Fortunately, it’s Friday and I’ve got 2 days of respite coming up.