No doubt, I’ve had a good time these past few weeks/month – I’ve been outside, drinking and at the same time I’ve also met a number of men that have shown me attention. It’s totally, completely intoxicating and it makes me feel alive. Sexy, desired, like a woman. The texting, the communication, the attraction! Oh god, it feels good. Is that all I needed?
They have all come to their natural end – two were 10 years my junior and one was from a different city. You have to understand there’s absolutely no heartache. If I could quote Dr. Suess right now “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Seriously, no regrets, no heartache. I’ll blog about my “love life” next.
Where does that leave me now? Good question. I’ve been drinking more than I care to admit. Partially, because I can – I seem to immune to hangovers lately, which is a huge thing. Another part of me is more engaged and enjoys life more when I’m drunk. Admittedly, it’s getting dangerous. I see why and where and how people slip off that slippery slope. That slope of addiction. I hope I don’t become one of the statistics, one of those that has a major disaster to get them on track. God, it’s such a cliche.
At the moment, I’m embarrassingly drunk.
This is not reality.
But I want it to be. I don’t do sober and “present” well.
I am grateful for so much.
For a safe childhood, full of abundance and safety; parents, a brother and extended family that love me dearly; friends that care for me and seem to enjoy my company; clean air and water; an abundant food supply; religious and political freedom; a job with people that I like and employers that seem to value my work (still don’t know why though… I’m such a fuck-up but I’m sure that’s another post)…
and… so many options and choices and opportunities for career, travel and life.
I live in a beautiful, safe city.
I’m reminded everyday of what I have when I’m on my way to work and I see all the people that are homeless, friendless, dealing with addictions and disabilities.
Trust me, I feel grateful.
All this… and I still feel dead inside.
My big source of pride is doing the dishes before I go to bed. This is after 3 hours of straight TV watching.
I’m just going through the motions. Trying to keep going until I’m allowed to take my last breath, in peace and guilt-free.
But I still feel grateful, truly, truly, truly.