What I didn’t mention in the last post was how much I had been drinking for weeks prior to last Thursday. In some sense, I had, but what I hadn’t mentioned was how much of it I was doing alone. Admittedly I was having a good time, even on my own. Or, maybe especially because I was on my own.
I was enjoying drinking at home, all alone, getting a little buzz on while doing housework or even watching TV or talking on the phone. It was a lot of fun – a real hoot.
However, last Thursday, the scale tipped and I was on the dark side of drunk. I was a drunken mess. Passed out on my couch with my bikini top on with episodes of Rescue Me playing on the computer.
Miraculously, I made it through the day without anyone knowing what happened the night before. How disgusting I felt and how utterly ashamed I was of myself and how deeply I hated my being.
Fortunately, I haven’t had the urge to get drunk since. What a relief. And for that, I feel grateful.
I am grateful for so much.
For a safe childhood, full of abundance and safety; parents, a brother and extended family that love me dearly; friends that care for me and seem to enjoy my company; clean air and water; an abundant food supply; religious and political freedom; a job with people that I like and employers that seem to value my work (still don’t know why though… I’m such a fuck-up but I’m sure that’s another post)…
and… so many options and choices and opportunities for career, travel and life.
I live in a beautiful, safe city.
I’m reminded everyday of what I have when I’m on my way to work and I see all the people that are homeless, friendless, dealing with addictions and disabilities.
Trust me, I feel grateful.
All this… and I still feel dead inside.
My big source of pride is doing the dishes before I go to bed. This is after 3 hours of straight TV watching.
I’m just going through the motions. Trying to keep going until I’m allowed to take my last breath, in peace and guilt-free.
But I still feel grateful, truly, truly, truly.