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My thinking… my thoughts..

are so fucked.

It’s one thing to have crazy weird thoughts, it’s another to knowing how crazy, weird and irrational my thoughts are. Metacognition in action.

The irrational side wants to end it all. The rational side is saying “Whoa, the reasons for ending it are silly. Settle down.”

The shitty thing is, I’m having difficulties controlling either of those voices. The irrational voice (with its cousin, the anxiety night monster) gets too loud sometimes and I worry ┬áit will take over. I have to remember that my family and friends don’t deserve pain like that.

Short of a lobotomy, I know I should probably see a professional. I rarely find relief because I don’t feel the therapists really hear me. Granted, I probably don’t explain myself that well either.

I wish I could just evaporate… Have I said that before?

 

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Yuck

I don’t know what the DSM would call today.

It’s like I couldn’t think, couldn’t understand. My mind was sluggish and unable to make vital connections that lead to verbal comprehension. I saw the letters, I saw the words but I couldn’t form the meanings in my head.

I don’t have ADHD apparently. I’m not developmentally disabled. But clearly my working memory, problem-solving skills and verbal comprehension are well below others.

My boss could not have been more clear. Why didn’t I get it?

The crazy shitty thoughts come back… you suck, you’re a loser, you’re never going to succeed…

They’re so loud, so real, it’s like another entity (not human, more like gremlin, monster-like) has taken over my brain and my body. It’s been a while, and now they’re back. It seems I’ve rolled out the welcome mat.

I had too much sugar last night, and this morning I felt like shit, like I was hungover. I felt sad, moody and I wanted to leave the office by 8:30am.

So, was I really depressed or was it just a chemical reaction?