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My thinking… my thoughts..

are so fucked.

It’s one thing to have crazy weird thoughts, it’s another to knowing how crazy, weird and irrational my thoughts are. Metacognition in action.

The irrational side wants to end it all. The rational side is saying “Whoa, the reasons for ending it are silly. Settle down.”

The shitty thing is, I’m having difficulties controlling either of those voices. The irrational voice (with its cousin, the anxiety night monster) gets too loud sometimes and I worry ┬áit will take over. I have to remember that my family and friends don’t deserve pain like that.

Short of a lobotomy, I know I should probably see a professional. I rarely find relief because I don’t feel the therapists really hear me. Granted, I probably don’t explain myself that well either.

I wish I could just evaporate… Have I said that before?

 

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Struggling… struggling…

I’m still here, in case anyone is wondering.

On auto-pilot.

Just getting through the day(s).

If I could hang on for another 6 weeks, I might be able to make some more positive changes. Like exercising, for example.

The anxiety monster visited last week. I could feel its presence coming into the room, before it quickly took over my body and mind. As I was getting ready for bed, I felt it slowly creep up my legs, tighten around my arms and finally suppress rational thinking. It held me hostage until the morning. Fortunately, after my shower, I felt it release its grip and retreat a bit. I made it to work.

God, I’m so tired.

It’s difficult to make plans, to feel positive, in this state. It’s difficult to see a future. Very depressing.

I can’t move forward when I’m in this state which I find incredibly frustrating.

 

Must keep going…

I guess I could look at it as a strength… my ability to keep going despite the desperate feeling of just wanting to hide.

I woke up suddenly at 3:45am, not surprising given my frame of mind yesterday. It was a familiar place: early morning anxiety, unable to fall asleep and completely wired on my weaknesses, poor judgments and regrets. Fuck.

It had been a while but fortunately I know what to do. Grab my duvet, head to the living room, find a documentary online to watch and surrender. I’m anxious, I’m ruminating and generally feeling shitty. The monster has taken over and only time can rid him of my mind. No sense in trying to fight it.

Fortunately, it’s Friday and I’ve got 2 days of respite coming up.

Yuck

I don’t know what the DSM would call today.

It’s like I couldn’t think, couldn’t understand. My mind was sluggish and unable to make vital connections that lead to verbal comprehension. I saw the letters, I saw the words but I couldn’t form the meanings in my head.

I don’t have ADHD apparently. I’m not developmentally disabled. But clearly my working memory, problem-solving skills and verbal comprehension are well below others.

My boss could not have been more clear. Why didn’t I get it?

The crazy shitty thoughts come back… you suck, you’re a loser, you’re never going to succeed…

They’re so loud, so real, it’s like another entity (not human, more like gremlin, monster-like) has taken over my brain and my body. It’s been a while, and now they’re back. It seems I’ve rolled out the welcome mat.

I had too much sugar last night, and this morning I felt like shit, like I was hungover. I felt sad, moody and I wanted to leave the office by 8:30am.

So, was I really depressed or was it just a chemical reaction?