Archive | June 2013

Starting over (again)

I went to the gym yesterday after a 2-1/2 month lapse. Like most people, it’s a struggle doing “healthy” things and I’m no different.

I had made a deal with myself the day before, promising myself I would go to the gym. No questions asked. The morning came and my desire to go never manifested.

Fortunately, going to the gym was on my to-do list. And while I was in serious negotiation with myself to not go, I realized that even though I didn’t want to do it, I would feel more proud of myself if I did go.

So there I went. To the gym.

Signed in. Locked my bag up. Put my music on.

Wasn’t entirely sure what I was going to do but figured I should start doing what I had done in the past. I knew I didn’t have a lot of energy so I cut out the intense cardio and just went to the weights, which, oddly enough, I don’t mind doing.

After 1 minute, I knew I really wasn’t in to it. I wanted to stop.

A little conversation I had in my head:

“Keep going.” I do one more set.

“Don’t want to do this.”

“Keep going.”

“I reaaaallly don’t have the energy to do this.”

“OK. Finish this set and go home.”

Time elapsed at the gym: 7 minutes.

Guilt or shame: 0

I went. And that’s what matters. Next time I go, I’m pretty sure I’ll have more energy and can work a bit harder.

I read a wonderful article about “starting over” in Yoga Journal a while ago and it made a big difference in my life.

For those of use that are chronically depressed or under-achievers, starting over is our saving grace. We can’t give up. We can only start over.

And yesterday, I started over.

How to make yourself (more) depressed

Step one: Look for work online.

Step two: Apply for job.

Step three: Write cover letter.

(As you write your cover letter, reflect on your previous work experience and the past 10 years of your life since you’ve moved to this city. Don’t forget to compare yourself to others: friends, family, younger work mates, etc. )

Holy hell…how is that I have not made ANY progress in my life? Clearly I am not a very ambitious person and I don’t think very highly of myself.

What’s a better way to say on your cover letter:

“My bosses think I’m nice, my co-workers enjoy working with me, and overall I try to do a really good job and not waste your time. I also stay late. As you can see, I’m not very ambitious. I spend a lot of time daydreaming about doing something really important but lack that psychic energy to back it up. So, instead, I focus too much energy on being liked at work and doing a good job. I think you should hire me because I will say “yes” to you. That’s what you really want, isn’t it?”


I’m here…

I’m still here. In case you’re wondering.

My father passed away recently, after a short illness. I don’t feel depressed at the moment–just relief. Even though he wasn’t in a lot of pain, he suffered.

I learned this spring that dying isn’t easy. I had never heard of terminal restlessness before… how is that possible? Why are we not talking about it?

It is very stressful to watch someone you love go through such a painful process. From what I’ve read, Dad’s was on the milder side. Still, it was difficult to witness.

Now, it is time to move on. We’ve know that Dad wasn’t going to be cured; these past few months, I always thought about when the end would come and what it would look like. Those thoughts would constantly run in the background, making it difficult to focus on what was in front of me. Naturally I had difficulties thinking of the future and making plans. I suppose it’s time now to get back in the game. The tough part is that I was never really in the game.

Work is slow which means I’m only going in to the office one day a week. On one hand, I’m embracing all this time off. However, I know I’m going to hole up in my apartment (by myself) and watch TV for too many hours in the day–not exactly the best thing for my mental health.