My thinking… my thoughts..

are so fucked.

It’s one thing to have crazy weird thoughts, it’s another to knowing how crazy, weird and irrational my thoughts are. Metacognition in action.

The irrational side wants to end it all. The rational side is saying “Whoa, the reasons for ending it are silly. Settle down.”

The shitty thing is, I’m having difficulties controlling either of those voices. The irrational voice (with its cousin, the anxiety night monster) gets too loud sometimes and I worry  it will take over. I have to remember that my family and friends don’t deserve pain like that.

Short of a lobotomy, I know I should probably see a professional. I rarely find relief because I don’t feel the therapists really hear me. Granted, I probably don’t explain myself that well either.

I wish I could just evaporate… Have I said that before?

 

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