Fortunately, I was able to nip that in the bud

What I didn’t mention in the last post was how much I had been drinking for weeks prior to last Thursday. In some sense, I had, but what I hadn’t mentioned was how much of it I was doing alone. Admittedly I was having a good time, even on my own. Or, maybe especially because I was on my own.

I was enjoying drinking at home, all alone, getting a little buzz on while doing housework or even watching TV or talking on the phone. It was a lot of fun – a real hoot.

However, last Thursday, the scale tipped and I was on the dark side of drunk. I was a drunken mess. Passed out on my couch with my bikini top on with episodes of Rescue Me playing on the computer.

Miraculously, I made it through the day without anyone knowing what happened the night before. How disgusting I felt and how utterly ashamed I was of myself and how deeply I hated my being.

Fortunately, I haven’t had the urge to get drunk since. What a relief. And for that, I feel grateful.

 

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3 responses to “Fortunately, I was able to nip that in the bud”

  1. hoj says :

    I read your posts with interest. I had googled “does grateful equal happy?” and found your blog.

    The thoughts and actions you wrote about sounded so familiar. Scary. Better get high again scary. My mind hopped around for an explanation….parallel universe?.. nah. kindred soul?…meh. Just some sort of similar experience, living life as we humans do.

    At least it was similar, for you Mar-Aug, and for me now in Nov. Maybe by now you are happy go lucky, the life of the party, lucky in love and contentedly sober?

    I hope you are well. Putting in my two cents under these circumstances makes me ill at ease, and I am sure you’d rather not hear it, but still I offer up a thought.

    You do know everyone is really really fucked up, right?. Thoreau was right.
    But so was Peggy Lee when she sang “is that all there is?”. Hmmm. This may not be the direction I meant to go…..

    So, anyway, welcome to the quietly and not so quietly desperate club. Come on in, the water is fine.

    All the Best

    Hoj

    • mysideofthedsm says :

      Hey Hoj,

      Great to hear from you. Good to know someone has read this post, or a post. I think you’re probably the third person to come by. No matter, I’m doing it for myself anyway.

      Thanks for the well wishes, but I haven’t been here for a while because “it” seems to be worse. To be honest, I’m struggling to stay afloat emotionally. I could only wish to be happy, the life of the party and lucky in love.

      I’m sorry to hear you feel the same way; I don’t think this is a really good way to go through life. However, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone.

      Thanks for the warm welcome to the club (I’ve actually been here for a while) and I appreciate the advice. I have to agree with you: we’re all fucked up, definitely. It seems, though, others don’t realize it. They just can’t seem to see past their water: (http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2008/sep/20/fiction)

      Hope you get high again. It sure feels good, don’t it. 🙂

      • hoj says :

        Hi MySide,

        Sorry, I had looked back here many times in the first week that followed my reply, but failed to see your reply til last week…………..

        I’ve been writing this for a couple of days now. Everything I’ve written has seemed inadequate. It feels ridiculous to try and be happy and uplifting with you (you know better), but I guess my habit of putting on a happy face is a hard one to break. My previous drafts all devolved into platitudes and cheery observances. My god.

        Sorry “it” is worse for you. “It” has been hanging over my head too. Outwardly, they think I have a good life, I’ve been so lucky etc. But inside I’m trying to stay afloat too. But more often I’m treading water, becoming more exhausted, wishing it would just end end END.

        Where’s the good in being miserable? What purpose does it serve? What is the meaning of this circle of misery, fear and self loathing? It must have a purpose, or our orderly and logical universe has no meaning, and that is unthinkable.

        Is is biologic? Should we have spawned and died long ago?

        Is it organic? Are we just bad seeds?

        Is it spiritual? If we find a god, shall we be cured?

        Maybe it’s environmental…as the planet whirls around as a polluted, war filled cess pool, are we drowning in toxins?

        Is is alien? Are we pawns in a giant game of chance?

        Alas I feel it is none of these. I’m just an ungrateful wretch, given every chance at happiness, who chose instead to wallow in her own rancid juices. It’s pathetic.

        Well, I hope you are doing better. I’m sorry you have to go through this crappy shit.

        Doing some smile therapy lately. It has worked for me before. Meanwhile, as opportunities for having a good time arise, I jump on board. It doesn’t seem to work all that well (I still cry myself to sleep more often that I’d ever admit), but Distraction is the way to go…….distract, deflect, avoid, all that stuff.(The mind whispers “keep going!”…”just keep going!”)

        Thanks for the link to David Wallace…I’d seen his stuff before (the NYer), and was impressed. A shame for him to have to go, and a useless sac of flesh like me to still be hanging here, doing nothing….but, on top of all the other shit life throws at us, it’s also unfair.

        My my I have gone on like a mad woman…..which of course, I am.

        All my best to you….hoping you’ll feel great and enjoy the hell out of something, anything. Really.

        See Ya,

        Hoj

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