What I didn’t mention in the last post was how much I had been drinking for weeks prior to last Thursday. In some sense, I had, but what I hadn’t mentioned was how much of it I was doing alone. Admittedly I was having a good time, even on my own. Or, maybe especially because I was on my own.
I was enjoying drinking at home, all alone, getting a little buzz on while doing housework or even watching TV or talking on the phone. It was a lot of fun – a real hoot.
However, last Thursday, the scale tipped and I was on the dark side of drunk. I was a drunken mess. Passed out on my couch with my bikini top on with episodes of Rescue Me playing on the computer.
Miraculously, I made it through the day without anyone knowing what happened the night before. How disgusting I felt and how utterly ashamed I was of myself and how deeply I hated my being.
Fortunately, I haven’t had the urge to get drunk since. What a relief. And for that, I feel grateful.
No doubt, I’ve had a good time these past few weeks/month – I’ve been outside, drinking and at the same time I’ve also met a number of men that have shown me attention. It’s totally, completely intoxicating and it makes me feel alive. Sexy, desired, like a woman. The texting, the communication, the attraction! Oh god, it feels good. Is that all I needed?
They have all come to their natural end – two were 10 years my junior and one was from a different city. You have to understand there’s absolutely no heartache. If I could quote Dr. Suess right now “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Seriously, no regrets, no heartache. I’ll blog about my “love life” next.
Where does that leave me now? Good question. I’ve been drinking more than I care to admit. Partially, because I can – I seem to immune to hangovers lately, which is a huge thing. Another part of me is more engaged and enjoys life more when I’m drunk. Admittedly, it’s getting dangerous. I see why and where and how people slip off that slippery slope. That slope of addiction. I hope I don’t become one of the statistics, one of those that has a major disaster to get them on track. God, it’s such a cliche.
At the moment, I’m embarrassingly drunk.
This is not reality.
But I want it to be. I don’t do sober and “present” well.