Archive | June 2012

On an upward trend

You can only go up if you’ve been down.

I know I’ve been feeling low these past few weeks, spending hours in front of the TV addicted to Rescue Me. My diet has been poor, I’ve been drinking more and I haven’t exercised much. The weather has been pretty crappy too.

However, despite filling my body with junk, I haven’t had a migraine. Miracles of miracles. I think it has everything to do with reducing how much coffee I drink. I went from 3 cups to just one cup, first thing in the morning. Just a small change has made a huge impact on my health.

I also know that small changes can help me get out of this funk, or at least make me feel a little less ashamed of myself. This morning I felt really compelled to sit in front of the computer and do shit. I also wanted to get out and do some errands but I also have a massage at 3. As I looked at my huge pile of dirty dishes, I knew that I would feel better if I did my dishes now because I certainly wouldn’t feel like doing them once I got home – all relaxed and oily and all. 🙂

Future pleasure (me coming home to a clean kitchen) trumped immediate pleasure (sitting in front of the computer).

I must be on an upward trend.

Now, I have to get going. I’ve got some things to do.

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Gratitude does not equal happiness

I am grateful for so much.

For a safe childhood, full of abundance and safety; parents, a brother and extended family that love me dearly; friends that care for me and seem to enjoy my company; clean air and water; an abundant food supply; religious and political freedom; a job with people that I like and employers that seem to value my work (still don’t know why though… I’m such a fuck-up but I’m sure that’s another post)…

and… so many options and choices and opportunities for career, travel and life.

I live in a beautiful, safe city.

I’m reminded everyday of what I have when I’m on my way to work and I see all the people that are homeless, friendless, dealing with addictions and disabilities.

Trust me, I feel grateful.

All this… and I still feel dead inside.

My big source of pride is doing the dishes before I go to bed. This is after 3 hours of straight TV watching.

I’m just going through the motions. Trying to keep going until I’m allowed to take my last breath, in peace and guilt-free.

But I still feel grateful, truly, truly, truly.