I didn’t hate myself so much sometimes.
When I get stuck in those nasty ugly thoughts… I just swirl down the rabbit hole of hate, shame and embarrassment.
I’ve wanted to be someone different my entire life; there are several iterations of that same person but rest assured it is someone that is talented, self-assured and motivated. Looks are not that important, but confidence (as well as humility) are definitely in tact.
I’ve complained so much about job to my friends, but I know deep down inside it’s not my job; it’s me. It’s me just not liking myself, and well, yes, hating, shaming and embarrassing.
Can’t I just take it down a notch? I mean, REALLY?!
I’m quite content sitting at home on a day off, watching online TV. Not calling anyone, not doing anything in the mountains, creating a new business, shopping for the most fabulous outfit – being out to be seen.
No. If I had to be honest with myself, as I look through your fabulous FB photos, I’m quite comfortable at home, by myself, in front of the computer.
I wouldn’t have it other way.
There are bracelets to be made, posts to be written, hills to skis, roads to bike, kids to play with, cookies to be decorated, (clothes to be put away, dishes to be done); I want to want to do these things.
I have all the time, support and health in the world.
I have everything.
But desire. Passion. Fire.
The inner psychic drive that fuels people to live, to hope, to dream, to strive for, to love, to procreate.
I think it was there at one point.
It’s Sunday morning with a clean house. I actually felt joy earlier. It was a wonderful warm, happy feeling.
Unfortunately as the day yawns on, the intensity of joy begins to fade as the realization of Sunday night, and another 5 day work week is ahead of me.
This is not an April Fool’s joke.